Pretty Boy Failure

John Edwards declares his candidacy.

For those who don't know, I am a North Carolinian so my feelings about John Edwards are extremely well-researched and nuanced.

Who is this guy and why does he keep popping up on my TV?

I mean, yes, he's rich, but contrary to what Hollywood would have you believe, there are a lot of rich people in the country. And he may indeed be smart. Carolina, after all, isn't known for turning out complete idiots – that's Duke's gig. And he's cute if you like those androgynous, freakishly upbeat Stuart Smalley types, but I am not impressed.

Let me explain something about the psyche of the American people. Collectively, we're a nation of beer drinking, sideline spectators. We like to WIN! We like to think of ourselves as winners, the facts of our diminishing role in global politics and economics be damned. We are the fuckin' U S of A and we'll do whatever it takes to win: steroids, a little dirt in your eye, a hollowed out bat, preemptive war strikes. Why? Cause white Jesus deemed us the chosen ones and we will whup yo' ass in the name of Christianity, apple pie and country music.

That's why poor little John doesn't stand much chance. He's a loser. Period.

His name will forever be attached to a losing ticket and he's not kick ass enough to separate himself from the stench of failure.

Having said that, there are also the issues of him having a very light political record, almost no stated policy positions and his youthful inexperience. Or do those things only matter when you're black? I get confused.

On one thing, however, I'm pretty clear: Edwards has a better shot of joining a black fraternity and leading a train in a step show than he does of winning the primary.