Give Them Something To Talk About

Tonight marks the very first Presidential debate. In what looks to be a marathon two-year race, this is the candidates’ first opportunity to screw themselves.

Looking at the field I think a major faux pas is way more likely than a timeless quip a la Ronald Reagan.

But I’m looking forward to it nonetheless. For laymen historians and social scientists this debate promises a treasure trove of dynamics. You have a viable woman with a sordid past and a legacy to protect. You have a Black American man in a country where race is still the most divisive issue. Throw in a Southerner with a dying wife, a biracial man of Mexican descent, and a foreign policy wonk who loves to hear himself talk and this could be the political version of Laugh-in! It’s brilliant people!

Things I’ll be looking for:

- As one of the youngest and arguably the most charismatic personality on the dais, Obama could make everyone else look like rotting fish-belly corpses. I should hope all the white men got their Mystic Tan on.
- Biden could very well talk himself into an anaphylactic shock. No one, of course, will save him and we’ll have our first “talked himself to death” moment in live TV history
- Look for Hillary to stand wide so as to camouflage the fact that she has the biggest balls on the stage. She’ll be playing demure and womanly. The men on the stage run the risk of looking like trailer park wife beaters if they come after her too strongly, thus hamstringing their efforts to legitimately engage the forerunner.
- I expect John Edwards to turn his accent up a notch and to have a side-eye bang that will make me weepy for Aaliyah all over again.
- Obama will ignore the people to his left and to his right (cause one of those mofos won’t be there come graduation) and will speak directly to the audience…and the camera. This will piss everyone off so badly that I fully expect a “who does this Negro think he is” Don Imus moment. Wouldn’t that be FAB?!!!!
- There’ll be little policy detail and here’s why that’s ok with me:

All of these folks who bemoan the lack of policy details from presidential candidates are woefully naive or perfectly predatory, depending on their intent. We are TWO years away from the general election. What kind of fool lays out a 28 point plan on ANYTHING and then allows his enemy two years to dissect it, form a 501C to undermine it, and Karl Rove to make it a federal crime?

Look, I’m as big on policy as the next educated voter but I want to win. If that means taking your word a few things, I’m willing to do that. So long as you don’t make me want to throw holy water at the screen like W, I’ma give you the benefit of the doubt.

And logistically speaking, who can promise me anything with a two-year curve? Anything can happen in the next 24 months and I appreciate a candidate that says, “Look, I’ll weigh important issues as they unfold.”

Just show me you’re smart enough to grasp big concepts and that you have the willingness to read a book about those issues you don’t get and I’m pretty much gonna ride with you.

This debate is less about policy and more about appearing presidential. That’s all the presidential race is ever really about? Want to change that? Want it to be more substantive? Fine. I support that. But can we do it AFTER we’ve elected a President who doesn’t get drunk and wait for God to tell him what to do?

So if the debate has to be light on policy and substance – which, if the Democratic party has any sense of self-preservation, it will be – can I get just one of the candidates to commit to providing entertainment value?

One of the cast-offs, perhaps? A Sanjayaya comedic darkhorse as it were? Maybe Dodd could flip Hillary off and grab his nut sack? Or perhaps Kucinich (really? President Kucinich?) could wax poetic about Obama’s ability to speak both English AND Ebonics? Mike Gravel (really? Mike Gravel? Who the hot fvck is this guy?) could pat Hill on the ass and tell her he always thought Bill was a fool for not tapping that right?

I’m just saying…give the people what they want. And I want some memorable moments, damnit!

All in all, it should be fun kiddies.